Positive Outcomes: HIV and Me
Walking Around in My Own Skin
Lori’s story
I see myself as a loving, caring, sensitive woman who cherishes her friends and family. I am a funny grandmother full of bundles of gifts, and hugs and kisses. I am my husband’s best friend and confidant. I am not ashamed about being HIV+. It’s been a blessing in disguise, really. If I hadn’t gotten it, I might not be alive today. HIV helped me to sober up and take a good, hard look at myself. It gave me a good shake and made me realize that I wasn’t invincible.
I was submitted to a compulsory HIV test when I was arrested for prostitution. But I was already pretty sure that I had it. I mean, if anyone was at risk, it was me. Also, a few years earlier I was in the hospital and a nurse’s aide told me that I had the HIV antibodies. She had no authorization or right to tell me, but she did anyway. I freaked out, left the hospital and returned to the streets of LA. I think that I lived in denial until I was made to take the test when I was arrested. Then I had to face it, but I was really scared.
For that whole first year of knowing about my diagnosis, I was convinced that I might die at any moment. I was living on skid row. Every day was just about making $20 to get a hit, get high, come down, and then making another $20 to get high all over again. Day in, day out. I was getting sicker and sicker and thinner and thinner.
Then, seven years ago, my left lung collapsed and I was in a drug-induced coma for over a month and a half. Everybody thought that this was the end for me, and my family was called in to say their goodbyes. And then I woke up. No, I mean I really woke up. Not just from the coma, but from my life. I realized that I was tired of waking up sick every day. I took a good look at myself in the mirror and said: “Enough is enough.” To everyone’s surprise, I came out of the coma and I cleaned myself up.
Seven years later, I am trying to stay healthy and happy. I only relapsed once during the past seven years. I tried using once, but I realized that it was still the same old stuff. I knew then and I know now that I never want to go back to using. Now I try to focus on the positive side of things. I figure, the negative will take care of itself.
I still have a lot of growing to do, and a lot of things to accomplish. I want to see my grandkids more often. Right now, they probably just see me through the birthday cards I send them. I want to be one of the people that they go to with their problems, someone they trust.
I’m still scared. I don’t know what the future holds for me or my husband. The thought of losing him is one of my worst fears. As I mentioned, I am his best friend and confidant, and he’s mine too. Sometimes, I am his nurse, but, always, I am a partner to him in every way. I love my home and life – I’ve never been happier. For the first time in my life, I’m comfortable in my own skin.
To read more of Lori’s story, see The Positive Side (March 2004).
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