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Positive Outcomes: HIV and Me
Ruling Your World
Marie’s story
HIV came into my life as my addiction started to progress. My using started because of some very stressful factors- the death of a parent, going through a divorce (and losing my best friend) and finally rebounding into a physically abusive relationship. I became overwhelmed with grief, loss and whole lot of hurt. I used drugs as a coping mechanism. I was working full time at a really good job, but then had to leave because my drug use progressed to addiction. I’d lost everything I’d worked for 20 years and ended up HIV positive.
I used more and more, and then started injecting. I’m convinced I know the day I got infected. I knew a huge risk was involved, but by this time, the drugs had impaired my judgement, which led me to make the wrong choice. The control of the drug had overpowered me and won. I got tested three months after that, and wasn’t surprised when I found I was positive. It was very difficult for me to come to terms with my diagnosis and I numbed myself even more with drugs. I thought I’d rather die through drug use than go because of HIV.
But eventually that changed. I tried to give up drugs many times. Detoxes,recovery homes, transition houses, shelters and safe houses became revolving doors. I stopped counting after I realized I had moved more than 20 times over a couple of years. Eventually, I ended up at a recovery house where I could stay for a year and I challenged myself to give it up: recovery became a contract with myself for a year at the very least.
In the first three months, I focused on getting and staying clean. I used no drugs, concentrating on sobriety and healing. It’s not just sobriety, it’s recovery, which is a spiritual process. First there’s the physical detox, and health issues that go with that process. Then there’s dealing with the mental and emotional issues of using.
I think getting your HIV diagnosis is like a death. You go through anger, denial, and all those stages. You have to allow your grief and come to terms with it. I think it’s important to realize HIV is not a death sentence. You can choose to die in other ways. It’s important to try to stay positive and reach out for support when you need it. The goal is balance: being aware of voids, and filling them where needed, with healthy choices. Getting support everywhere you can is important. Recovery is a lot of work.
I share my HIV status with some people and not others. It’s on a need-to-know basis only. HIV isn’t all of me, it’s a part of me I’ve learned to accept, work with and manage, just like the disease of addiction. I’m always learning more ways to take care of myself and to treat myself with kindness. I am gradually setting new goals for myself. I now feel I’m in a much better place physically and spiritually because I’m much more conscious of a healthier way – it’s about balance and maintaining it. I have my voice back.
To read more of Marie’s story, see The Positive Side (July-September 2006).