Positive Outcomes: HIV and Me
New Being
Sascha’s story
I woke up very early today (4AM) and ended up watching a movie about a man who kidnaps his lover and forces him to submit to an HIV test. The lover would not ‘fess-up to infecting the kidnapping main character, but he was eventually forced to be truthful. A fairly heavy topic, I know, which has set the mood for my day. In keeping with the mood it’s a blustery grey day. As I walked around False Creek I thought on my past and on the one man who made such an impact on my life. Although our relationship ended 12 years ago, my mind often wanders to him.
It’s more than the fact that I have not dated anyone since him; it’s the fact that he withheld information from me. He took away my ability to both protect myself and to fully love him. And I did love him; I will never regret that. Even after I had been diagnosed he continued to deny his positive status.
Yet at the time I knew he had infected me and he knew that I knew. There was no one else besides him; I was committed and devoted to him alone. I can even trace the exact date of exposure: Christmas Eve 1993. Merry Christmas to me. His dishonest insistence of being HIV negative was the most infuriating part of the whole experience. If I were in anyway a violent woman I would have perhaps kidnapped him and forced him to admit the truth. It was years before he admitted the truth to me and apologized for exposing me to HIV.
The virus is incidental to me these days. But in the early days of diagnosis I was overwhelmed by such grief. The day I was diagnosed my verdant life suddenly became a barren wasteland. I saw my dreams for the future die before my eyes. I felt my femininity walk away, defeated. My spirit gasped with foreboding. My intellect frantically tried to reconcile this new reality with my ambitions. My knees bent and I heard myself call out to God.
Even today, I find it terribly difficult to trust men. I try, but anything beyond friendship is such a leap of faith for me. At least I am becoming less hostile towards men who flirt with me. I get this expression on my face, fondly referred to as my fuck-off face by friends, which would frighten all but the most brave and intent man. My suspicions, which were an initial defense mechanism, have become habitual and they no longer serve me.
I am striving to trust again because I believe I cannot fully love someone without trusting. As of late I have notice an unexpected phenomenon: I am actually shy around men again. Some of my innocence has been restored – at least psychologically. That is a welcome blessing. Something good has to come out of this celibacy. Along with this newfound shyness is also a renewed interest in romance. While I am not actively looking for it, I am no longer disturbed by the possibility. No matter how afraid I am, I am opening up my heart to allow myself to be blessed in ways I cannot even ask or imagine.
Sascha’s story appeared in The Positive Side (April 2006).
Also on this website:
