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Positive Outcomes: HIV and Me
Looking At Dark Things in the Light
Eshe’s story
It is almost impossible to say exactly how HIV came into my life. I have ruminated over it, and have now decided that it really does not matter. But I know it was from unprotected heterosexual contact, as I don’t do drugs and have never had a transfusion.
As with most African women who get HIV, it is a disease of circumstance: relationships or need. There is the circumstance of the woman who believes she is in a monogamous relationship only to find out otherwise, and she is literally part of a harem. This is fuelled by the belief on the African continent that a man is entitled to more than one wife— polygamy and its snowball effect. Then there is the circumstance of need. A single mother or young girl who has no work, income or support is left with no other option but to sell her body to feed herself and her family. Her aim is to influence the deepest pockets she can find, and protection from HIV is the furthest thing from her mind. I feel the blatant disregard for the sense in the “one man one wife” doctrine is what has plunged Africa into such deep, dark, HIV despair.
I was diagnosed with the condition in 2001 as part of a routine pregnancy examination. Naturally, it was devastating, but it did explain some ailments. I was puzzled, as HIV was an area in which I had actively worked, delivering the message of protection to the grassroots communities with the USAID’s condom program. My partner tested negative, which meant I had the condition prior to our five-year relationship. My natural instinct was to divorce, as I could not bear the thought of exposing someone I loved so dearly to the virus. I worried about one of the pillars of marriage, sexuality, and how it would affect our lives. I pleaded for a separation but he insisted on remaining married.
For the first two years, I coped with the condition with blind, ignorant faith. To me it was simply a case of mind over matter. I refused to read or research the issues, and was determined to live life normally and to the fullest. I left the care to the hands of the outstanding staff at the Oak Tree Clinic and took my meds as directed, as well as a set of supplements. I simply treat the condition like diabetes, arthritis or any other ailment. I feel I am fortunate, as I do not have any major dietary restriction or pain. All I have to do is maintain a healthy lifestyle.
Sadly, my marriage did fall apart. I had to recover from several years of agonizing mental and psychological abuse. Yet I felt strangely liberated. I researched HIV medications, therapies and issues. I rekindled my activism and interest in HIV. I had room in what had been a stifled spiritual life to pursue my divine beliefs. My motto became “Attitude of Gratitude.”
I have discovered there is so much to be thankful for on a daily basis. I have come to realize that every trial or tribulation one goes through is for a strengthening and second chance. I believe that I will emerge from challenges stronger and more capable. I try to see the positive side of every situation. HIV has wonderfully made me overcome the human vices of envy, covetousness and greed. I have come to realize one never really knows what other people are going through, even though their lives seem wonderful. I would not like to be in another person’s shoes; I am quite happy with mine. They are mine, I know them well, and can live with them.
Like anyone else, I have my highs and lows, but they are not particularly impacted by my condition. I believe this is due to my foundational attitude of mind over matter, and my new found attitude of gratitude. The issue of stigma used to be on the dark side for me, but I have managed to pull it into the grey zone and I am still working on pulling it into the light.
To read more of Eshe’s story, see The Positive Side (January 2006).
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