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Positive Outcomes: HIV and Me
At Home In My Tree House
River’s story
Several years ago, I dreamt that I was in a park with many children. The park was surrounded by a thick forest, but in the center of the park was a tree with a giant tree house. As I watched the children, I noticed with alarm a long line of bears emerging from the forest. Panicked, I realized that I was the only adult in the park. I called to the children, gathering them as quickly as I could. One after another, I lifted the children as high as I could and hid them in the tree house. Heaving with exhaustion, I lifted the last child to safety and looked around. There was no one to help me up into the tree house, and I was too weak to climb up myself. As the bears approached, with one last effort, I grabbed the lowest branch I could, wrapped my arms and legs around it, and hung on for dear life. A bear approached me. Terrified, I closed my eyes. The bear reached up and placed a paw on my back, and gently helped me into the tree house.
I had been applying for housing subsidies for over five years when I received the news that I had won the PWN housing subsidy. I was both stunned and moved. I remember that feeling precisely. It takes a lot to sincerely move me, and I was so moved by this lovely, unexpected gift. I had been struggling to feel both healthy and happy in my old place, and this meant that I could finally take on certain things in my life that I had not been able to focus on before. To me, winning the housing subsidy signaled an opportunity for me to finally concentrate on healing. It was fantastic.
I found a small home on one of the Gulf Islands. It was wonderful, full of life, sunshine and eagles. Eagles everywhere. You wouldn’t believe it. I lived there for over a year until I moved back to the city last August. I feel so fortunate to have had a chance to live here, too.
I am a very private person. This characteristic has always provided me with the space I need to find my inner strength and wisdom, to be a river, to be River. I have had to work to overcome a lot of challenges in my life, but these challenges have always made me stronger, more grateful and able to hang in there. It’s all a gift, every little bit of it, even if it doesn’t look like a gift at the time.
My body and its physical abilities are changing daily now, and I am working on paying attention to this process. It’s actually been really informative. I am learning to let go of the small things my body did that I took for granted, like simply holding my coffee cup. Are you even aware when you pick up your cup and pass it over your lips or move it to another spot? I am completely aware now of all these so-called “mindless”, physical movements. I have learned along the way to be willing and to ease into the flow of life. Our path is always clear. The cloudy bits are us.
I first learned about HIV through my gay male friends, but HIV really touched my life when I lost my partner a number of years ago. He was a loving and beautiful man, and I was so fortunate to be with him for so long. It was such an honour to be with him when he passed away. The best reaction I ever received when I told someone that I was HIV-positive was from a good friend of mine. She just looked at me and said, “Oh, honey, that sucks.”
It’s time for me to move now to a single room, with lots of people around who can help me with all the small stuff, like coffee cups. I will miss living on my own. For so many years, all I wanted was to be alone with the Earth and the Universe. Thanks, truly, to PWN and its housing subsidy. For a few years I got that opportunity and it changed my life.
To read more of River’s story, see The Positive Side (May 2004)