This week, we got a message from the folks at hivdating.ca – an online dating service for people living with HIV in Canada.  They were asking us to advertise by providing a link on our site.  We can’t do that, but I thought hey, now there’s a great topic for a blog post!  Dating is pretty universally accepted as “difficult”, because of the pressure to impress.  We all have things about ourselves that we would rather not share, but whether you’re hoping to hook up or looking for true love, you will undoubtedly need to share some of them.  HIV and STIs are definitely on the must-share list.  Long term romantic relationships depend on trust, and as soon as sex is on the agenda, there is a legal obligation to disclose HIV status.  The thought of disclosure and possible rejection is enough to turn anybody off of dating, but it shouldn’t be that way.

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Today I’m inspired by the commentary of four amazing women who have decided to do very challenging work in challenging contexts.  Amber Christie, Dulce Feder and Dr. Ruth Elwood Martin presented on a panel together at PWN’s annual SpringBoard conference last Thursday.  They all work in some capacity in research and healthcare delivery for women in the prison system.  Maxine Davis is the Executive Director of Dr. Peter Centre, which operates a residence providing intensive, 24-hour nursing care for previously homeless people with a combination of severe mental health and addiction issues.  Her recently published piece in the Vancouver Sun highlights the need for this kind of supportive housing.  These two areas of work are not directly related, but one of the main health challenges faced by incarcerated women is also a key hurdle facing the Dr. Peter Centre residents, and that is the lack of adequate supported housing and healthcare when they either get out of prison or get off the streets.  In both cases, the lack of housing and care keeps these women and men coming back – to the streets, to prison, and to the hospital.

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When I started in this work 16 years ago, there were few treatments and little hope. But people are resourceful thinkers, and alternatives to medicine were hot. Meditation groups, yoga, and the power of positive thinking were just a few things that were embraced. Having a life threatening illness that often meant a rapid death with little help from Western medicine challenged people to get their minds around these different approaches. For some it meant getting clean from drugs or alcohol, for others it meant looking at unhealthy relationships and deciding to leave them. Through these changes, there were people who came to the notion that “HIV was the best thing that ever happened to me.”  But there were also those who didn’t reap the perceived benefits of learning they had HIV.

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“Our gender (as transgender and transsexual people) is … invalidated, insulted, and hated. We are denied personhood because our gender is not heteronormative enough: Proper men do not want to become women, and proper women do not become men….”  writes Lisa, of Questioning Transphobia.  

Lisa’s words well describe the discrimination that many trans women face: the message that they’re not "right" in a fundamental way, or so says mainstream society. When it comes to women-specific services, the discrimination against trans women can be particularly pronounced, and many trans women are left without services because they aren’t "women enough."

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I’ve been reminded recently that grief is a huge thing. That might sound strange, working in the field I do, where grief can be an ongoing presence and often is. HIV diagnosis can prompt grief for any number of reasons- an abrupt change in expectations and hopes, recognition of multiple losses in relationships and health. Of course death brings with it many emotions, and often grief is at the forefront. Grief is an inevitable part of life, and a particularly inevitable part of being in the HIV community. Before the dramatic changes in life expectancy that HIV treatments brought to the industrialized world, deaths were far more common and frequent. Grieving was woven into the HIV community by necessity.

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Many years ago I read an essay about women in Vietnam working to rebuild connections and communities after the Americans pulled out. Someone criticized their efforts, saying they were as useless as water. But the women responded that water is a great force: just look what it can to do stone over time. I may not have the quote perfectly cited, but it captures the idea that has stuck with me all these year. I believe in the power of every woman. Even what looks like the smallest gesture is connected to other gestures and actions, and has the capacity to make great change.

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Last week’s retreat was another huge success and many women came away connected and recharged, according to the evaluations. Retreats are unlike any other thing we offer. They are a whole weekend of symbolic unpacking by a variety of women with a range of life experiences (one attendee commented on the diversity of women and how well everyone got along). Women unpack their sadness of being diagnosed and feeling they can never look at life with hope again. Women can unpack their worries about going on treatment and how it might affect their bodies. Women unpack their long-term experiences with HIV, how they have made changes and stayed healthy. Women unpack their vulnerabilities and their successes, and share them.

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Dr. Khami Chokani shocked us recently when he told the press that HIV would kill 15 to 30 percent of Saskatchewan’s Aboriginal population within five or ten years.  He also compared the situation on reserves in his province to the epidemics in parts of sub-Saharan Africa.  Given the three-fold increase in infection rates since 2004, it is understandable that the medical health officer for the Prince Albert Parkland Health Region is alarmed and wishes to incite a pro-active response from government and community.  It is also understandable that his claims ruffled some feathers, and while he has not formally rescinded the comment, he and his colleagues have admitted that this worst-case scenario is unlikely.

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This weekend a group of women will head to Bowen Island to learn about HIV treatments, HIV and medicinal marijuana, the law and HIV disclosure, terachings from the sweat lodge, and have some fun. It’s retreat weekend, and for three quarters of the women going, it will be their first time on a retreat. It’s not easy to meet a bunch of strangers and talk about your diagnosis, but year after year, women do so and come back smiling. We’ve been offering retreats for 15 years now (we’ve even developed a Retreat Planning Toolkit to help other organizations), and we’ve learned that providing a safe space for women to connect and learn about HIV can change people’s lives forever.  

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Our annual SpringBoard conference was last night. As one of the coordinators, I’m tired, but so happy at how things unfolded. People bravely tried new things (theatre), connected on their passions (sharing stories of activism) post diagnosis, and were physical together (yoga). They were challenged to think of new strategies of dealing with stress when they’re “in the thick of it” (you can’t run out for a massage when you’re at work, but there are other things you could try). Many participants considered whether they were balanced in their lives by doing the Medicine Wheel exercise. Of course we shared the common connectors of food and company.

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