When I was growing up, my grandparents had a trailer on St. Joseph’s Island in Lake Huron, Ontario.  My grandfather would often take his (numerous) grandchildren out fishing in the motorboat.  After one such outing when I was eleven years old, my grandmother called to the kids, asking if there were “some strong boys who could help grandpa with the boat”.  My cousin Julia, who was just a few years older than me and who I strove desperately and unsuccessfully to emulate in every way, yelled angrily across the beach: “Just because I DON’T HAVE A PENIS, doesn’t mean I CAN’T MOVE A BOAT!”  In that moment, thanks to Julia’s passion and ensuing tears, I knew I would have to prove to myself and to the family that I was a feminist too.

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The buzz in the HIV/AIDS community these days is all about the International AIDS Conference. I attended one of the conferences in 2002. It was a whirlwind of activity and I wish I had been better prepared for the magnitude of the event. After the first day of just bouncing around aimlessly I made the point of sitting down every evening with the conference guide to choose what I would do the next day. I reviewed my plans over breakfast and then headed out the door. For a week I was immersed in the international HIV/AIDS community. I engaged in dialogue with people from around the world; my room mate was from Israel and she opened my eyes to challenges I had never thought about before. We were staying in a university dormitory with a few hundred other conference attendees. It was very exciting with conversations going well into the night.

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Today I’m inspired by the commentary of four amazing women who have decided to do very challenging work in challenging contexts.  Amber Christie, Dulce Feder and Dr. Ruth Elwood Martin presented on a panel together at PWN’s annual SpringBoard conference last Thursday.  They all work in some capacity in research and healthcare delivery for women in the prison system.  Maxine Davis is the Executive Director of Dr. Peter Centre, which operates a residence providing intensive, 24-hour nursing care for previously homeless people with a combination of severe mental health and addiction issues.  Her recently published piece in the Vancouver Sun highlights the need for this kind of supportive housing.  These two areas of work are not directly related, but one of the main health challenges faced by incarcerated women is also a key hurdle facing the Dr. Peter Centre residents, and that is the lack of adequate supported housing and healthcare when they either get out of prison or get off the streets.  In both cases, the lack of housing and care keeps these women and men coming back – to the streets, to prison, and to the hospital.

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What creates “community"? This is a question that was on my mind the other night at AccolAIDS, as I sat surrounded by warmth of spirit, laughter and fantastic people at BC Persons with AIDS Society’s fundraising event. I was so happy for the people who were nominated for their work, and tickled that some true friends got to take the stage and speak about what they do with amazing dedication. What I saw in that room was a mix of PWAs, health care providers, pharmaceutical reps, donors, and other community folks who are both paid staff and volunteers. This mix of people and passions creates supportive, kind, educational nets that the weary can fall into when necessary. Nets that provide firm enough footing to take another step. Nets that provide a wall to back up against when you need a vantage point for perspective.

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When I was a little girl, I dreamed of becoming rich and famous so that I could single-handedly save the world.  At the top of my “world that needs saving” list was a little Caribbean country called Haiti—“the poorest country in the world”, as I had been told.  I am no longer a little girl, and instead of being rich and famous, I work in the humble HIV prevention field.  While I no longer believe it’s a one-woman gig, Haiti is still near the top of my “world that needs saving” list.  Haiti has the highest HIV infection rates in the Caribbean and is second only to the worst affected sub-Saharan African countries on a world scale.  The January 12th earthquake is being called one of the most devastating natural disasters in human history, and we are all bombarded with news and images.  In hopes of blogging something original, I have tried to focus my attention on how the HIV/AIDS community is responding to the quake.

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I’ve been reminded recently that grief is a huge thing. That might sound strange, working in the field I do, where grief can be an ongoing presence and often is. HIV diagnosis can prompt grief for any number of reasons- an abrupt change in expectations and hopes, recognition of multiple losses in relationships and health. Of course death brings with it many emotions, and often grief is at the forefront. Grief is an inevitable part of life, and a particularly inevitable part of being in the HIV community. Before the dramatic changes in life expectancy that HIV treatments brought to the industrialized world, deaths were far more common and frequent. Grieving was woven into the HIV community by necessity.

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Many years ago I read an essay about women in Vietnam working to rebuild connections and communities after the Americans pulled out. Someone criticized their efforts, saying they were as useless as water. But the women responded that water is a great force: just look what it can to do stone over time. I may not have the quote perfectly cited, but it captures the idea that has stuck with me all these year. I believe in the power of every woman. Even what looks like the smallest gesture is connected to other gestures and actions, and has the capacity to make great change.

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In the AIDS Service field, we do a lot of reminiscing about the good ol’ days and lamenting that activism isn’t the same as it used to be. Of course, I can’t personally remember ACT-UP and the early days of AIDS activism, because I was preoccupied with elementary school.  But I’ve wholeheartedly adopted this movement and I do believe in solidarity. While I can’t necessarily reminisce, I think I can relate to my colleagues’ sentiments.  By now, President Obama lifting the travel ban is sinking in for many.  This post by Bonnie Goldman at The Body, got me thinking.  She finishes by lamenting that “if there was more AIDS activism, we could’ve gotten this law changed long ago”.  What can activism change?

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Last week’s retreat was another huge success and many women came away connected and recharged, according to the evaluations. Retreats are unlike any other thing we offer. They are a whole weekend of symbolic unpacking by a variety of women with a range of life experiences (one attendee commented on the diversity of women and how well everyone got along). Women unpack their sadness of being diagnosed and feeling they can never look at life with hope again. Women can unpack their worries about going on treatment and how it might affect their bodies. Women unpack their long-term experiences with HIV, how they have made changes and stayed healthy. Women unpack their vulnerabilities and their successes, and share them.

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The road to Positive Women’s Network has twists and turns for many women. They might carry our phone number with them for months before they make their first call. Or they might phone anonymously, asking about HIV itself, treatments, our programs, measuring their comfort with meeting in person. Some phone soon after diagnosis or drop-in. Everyone has their own way of dealing with their diagnosis. But if we’ve seen one thing over the years, connection with other women makes dealing with it a little lighter.

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