Sharing Grieving and Memory

I’ve been reminded recently that grief is a huge thing. That might sound strange, working in the field I do, where grief can be an ongoing presence and often is. HIV diagnosis can prompt grief for any number of reasons- an abrupt change in expectations and hopes, recognition of multiple losses in relationships and health. Of course death brings with it many emotions, and often grief is at the forefront. Grief is an inevitable part of life, and a particularly inevitable part of being in the HIV community. Before the dramatic changes in life expectancy that HIV treatments brought to the industrialized world, deaths were far more common and frequent. Grieving was woven into the HIV community by necessity.

We recently set up a memorial space where PWN members can mark their grief. It’s a small corner in the PWN drop-in, a space where women can record thoughts or pictures, light a candle. Making this kind of space, however small, has been an issue for years. We’ve recognized the passing of members in different ways, and talked about a permanent space for it. Some members have felt strongly about recognizing those who’ve died, but others feel it’s a depressing thing to face every time they come in. It hasn’t been easy to settle. Both perspectives are understandable.

But HIV is a life threatening condition that causes people great distress and having a place to recognize that is important. Granted, HIV can be treated, making it less of a life-threatening condition than it used to be, but I must add, for some. Access to treatment is an issue, even here in industrialized Canada. (See page 194 of the Pathways to Healing Report, released in 2009). But the fact that it needs lifelong treatment and vigilance makes it a life challenge that can have grief associated with it.

And women don’t just die of HIV related conditions, either. There are other factors that can lead to a woman’s death- violence against women, the agony of addictions, inaccessible medical care. HIV can be tightly woven into these conditions. Having a place to open up about losing someone can create a safe place to talk. Without a place to open up, or safe people to do it with, the emotions of grief can haunt us all, and break us into pieces.

Pos blogger "fogcityjohn" recently wrote on meeting someone for the first time and spontaneously recognizing a moment of connection through shared grief. It was just a moment, and he regretted that he moved on quickly and didn’t do more to honour it. He wrote, “In grieving, we… honor those who have touched us deeply.” The memorial corner is part of the drop in, just as other parts are: shared meals, shared health challenges and solutions, births of babies, new chapters in life. It’s part of our community.

- Janet

This blog represents the ideas of individual writers, and does not necessarily reflect any formal stance taken by Positive Women’s Network.

This was posted on Friday, January 22nd, 2010 at 9:00 am and is filed under Daily Moments, Spiritual and Emotional Health, Support . Feel free to respond, or trackback. Read our comments policy.

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